It happened so quickly, I didn’t want to believe the words. Dead. She’s dead. No dramatic goodbyes like in the movies or a chance for a final farewell. In the middle of the night, she began to slip off and by morning there was no chance for her survival. She had overcame so much in the past few months. A stroke had left her paralyzed and immobile in a wheelchair. Hollywood has downplayed paralysis so much in movies that I’m pretty sure unless your loved one has experienced it, you have no clue what it’s like to deal with.
She couldn’t speak. She needed a feeding tube because of the dysphagia that set in. She could no longer control her bowel or bladder. She laid there helpless unable to speak her mind or even tell anyone how much she appreciated their visits to her in ICU. Visitors came and went during her critical 24 hour period. Some told her to stay strong and fight. Others told her it was ok to let go. I told her to stay. Well, I begged her to stay. I needed her in my life and wasn’t ready to lose her. None of us were.
We children were everything to her and she was everything to us. She had so many illnesses while raising us it had left us with an emptiness, a void, an ability to connect to one another. Normal children get to play with their parents, go to parks, and go to activities at school. Fibromyalgia had set in at an early age leaving her unable to attend our playtime activities. We didn’t mind. We loved her indefinitely. I loved her indefinitely. She was so full of life and it was taken away too soon. With therapy, she had worked through her paralysis and was walking with a cane by the time of her demise. She was such a fighter. No one expected what had happened.
As much as I would love for this to be a recollection of her life, this is about what happened when she left. Life may go on for the living after the dead are buried and gone but time is at a standstill in everyone’s mind. It’s not happening. It can’t be happening. Actions aren’t properly thought through with diligence. Words are said. Fights happen. Families separate. My family was once so close and now were like strangers at a dinner party.
Mom came to me in a dream one night and told me exactly what needed to be done. When she left, she never thought we would become the family we are now and now she’s going to fix everything starting with me. Dreams of course are your subconscious trying to tell you something. However, I felt as if these dreams of her did mean something. I really think she was visiting me as a spirit in my dreams. Everyone told me different.
